freeze

i am in a confuse stage. i should be crying, feeling sad. but i seem to be able to control it this time. i am feeling weird. i sort of freeze my real feelings and confuse myself. i think about grandpa but yet i sort of try to switch to what should i do for him now and not think about the pain. think is bcos we all talked and hear this alot that he's very old, lucky, strong, should be contented... he is lucky. only teared 3 times but am afraid when it comes... i dun know if i can hold it any longer... i am stressed. the only thing now is to make him happy.